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The panic of Christmas

This is where my name comes from, ‘The useless mother’

Right at this moment, I feel useless!

I feel like there’s so many jobs that need doing and I don’t know whether it’s because of my lack of organisational skills or its just this time of year.

It’s overwhelming either way.

I’ve got a house to clean, presents to wrap and I know I’m going to have to nip out at some point and pick up those forgotten bits, plus so many more jobs!

I was relying on tomorrow, kids were going to their dad’s, it’s a great day for completing these jobs.

That’s until he sent me a message informing me that he can’t have them because his girlfriends parents are coming!

Really?!

Now I might be being unreasonable here but I thought as a parent you adjust life events around your children, not the other way round!

I honestly don’t understand why he can’t still have them!

It angered me that much I didn’t dare reply as I knew I’d put something I’d later regret.

The kids still don’t know but for them, it’s a good thing, they’ll be happy they’re not going.

So that’s tomorrow out of the window but it’s fine, we’ll make it fun, we’ll get Christmas songs blasting out, which reminds me, I did introduce my kids to a new Christmas song yesterday! Probably not my finest mum moment but they did love it after the initial shock! Mr Hanky, the Christmas poo!!

If you don’t know it, YouTube it! Although you probably won’t know whether to thank me or not!!

Anyway, back on to subject (scrolls up to see what I was talking about) ahh yes, tomorrow! Christmas music blasting out and I’ll get the kids to help me, it’ll be fun! She says!

In reality it’ll probably be me and my son doing the cleaning and my daughter sitting there crying because I’ve asked her to pick up a shoe! I’ll spend that much time trying to motive her, I’ll get barely anything done, panic and then scream at her like a maniac on the loose!

This is how it usually goes!

We do have the very odd time where she gets into it and is helpful and thoughtful and I’m mega proud of her.

When those moments do happen they are that rare that I end up making some stupid, sarcastic comment which I know isn’t helpful but I just can’t stop myself! I’m working on it! I do make sure I tell her that I have noticed and I am extremely proud.

We definitely always need to remember to tell our kids how proud we are. I always tell my children and every single time their faces light up, it’s a confidence and self esteem boost, it’s always a feel good moment when somebody acknowledges something you have done and appreciates it, no matter how small the task may be. We all need it but children mostly. It wire’s their brains so they grow up wanting to do good.

It’s time for me to disappear and get some wrapping done.

Have a very happy weekend

 

 

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It’s almost Christmas! 

I’ve been rather busy, my little mind gets too flustered when I’ve got too much to think about so I’ve gave my blog a break for a bit.

But I’m back now so time for an update!

This might seem a bit all over the place but welcome to my brain!

My boy is back on medication for now as he’s been struggling socially and emotionally but he’s now back to being happy again! Yay!

Christmas food shop came yesterday! Why did I order the fresh food over a week early? I don’t know either! Vegetables and potatoes will be prepped and frozen by tomorrow! It seems like a lot of effort but I’m sure the future me will be very thankful!

It’s Christmas jumper day and Christmas meal day at my sons school today, I was dreading both and I know he also was.

He always worries about wearing the wrong thing and I get that, I’ve been there! He said he was just going to wear normal clothes and I would of let him. That was until I went shopping and spotted an awesome Christmas top of Santa doing a fortnight dance move! He loved it! As it was only a short sleeved top I pulled all of his Christmas jumpers out and found an elf one that said #elfie! He was more than happy to wear it and walked down the street with his coat undone, proud of his jumper! Success!

Next problem was Christmas Dinner! He won’t eat school dinners but I also knew that when he sees everyone enjoying themselves he’ll feel left out, what can I do to fix this problem? I slow cooked a pork joint overnight, made some stuffing this morning and he went to school with a pork and stuffing roll, (cob where I come from!) some carrot sticks, cherries, (still got to get his 5 a day in!) a mince pie and obviously I couldn’t not put a Christmas cracker in there for him! He was delighted! Mission completed!

This year we have done away with advent calanders and instead I got little Christmas tree stockings that I put a treat in each evening for the morning. They love it and it works out so much cheaper.

I think I will sign out for now so I can get something useful done!

Tomorrow I’ll be giving an update on how the Christmas jumper day went and whether I got my act together and sorted those veggies out!

Over and out!

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The waiting game

It’s annoying,

I want progression but I’ve done all I can and now I have to rely on people doing what they should be doing.

On Friday I went to my GP and spoke to her about my concerns and what I wanted, I want a diagnosis, if I’m correct in thinking that I am autistic.

Why do I want a diagnosis at 35 years old? Because I want answers,  I want to know why I am like I am and why I’ve struggled the whole of my life with things people don’t appear to struggle with.

She was fantastic, I expected a form to fill out to check if I was depressed, I know I’m not and I’m happy that she did not give me that form!

What she did do was listen, ask questions and write the answers down.

GP’s are unable to diagnose autism or anything alike but she can take down as much information as possible to pass on to the relevant person and then that’s a head start.

I was waiting a while to be seen and in that time I managed to count every single flu flag hanging up, read every single poster surrounding me, realise a diabetes poster was 2 years old and I didn’t stop fidgeting once.

I didn’t realise I was doing any of this until I looked around to see everybody else sitting perfectly still and when I looked down, my foot was in constant motion. I then realised that counting flags, examining posters and not sitting still wasn’t quite normal!

One poster that catches your eye, fine, every single poster without even realising I was doing it is not! And then I started looking back and realised that I do this everywhere and wherever I go and then I realised when I was in last, I was constantly watched by people who clearly found it fascinating to see a grown woman taking in so much detail of everything around.

A door opened, I knew I was next because I had been studying the people coming and going and calculating who I was going to be after. My calculations don’t make any logical sense but they do in my head.

There was a beep and I instantly stood up knowing it was my name, I looked up and I was correct.

I went in and all I could think about was the diabetes poster being out of date and how there was 10 flu flags with 2 hiding out of sight (I clocked them on the way out )

I managed to focus and say half of what I wanted to with confidence.

The GP eventually brought it to a close and told me she’d look into the best approach for me.

She was lovely and took me very seriously.

On the way out I took one last look at the out of date diabetes poster, smiled to myself  thinking the next time I go in, that poster will still be there.

Let’s hope I’m not waiting too long for the next step – if they allow me to move to the next step.

Fingers crossed.

It’s just one week! 

It’s been a tough week!

My son is struggling again with his ADHD, maybe it’s time to introduce the medication again, even if it’s just to get him though a patch he is clearly finding difficult. We’ll see, no rushed decisions. 

He’s been struggling in and out of school and this week I just don’t have the patience for it. I’ve struggled to keep it together and remain patient, understanding and be the parent I know he needs me to be. 

I know I have to be that parent otherwise everything falls to pieces. I’m not naturally patient or calm. I’m naturally a shouter and when I say jump, you jump. That doesn’t work for him, everything has to be worded correctly to his understanding. 

I’ve been that parent for 2 years now and I’ll admit, I’m tired! It’s hard work because what I say and what I want to say have to be 2 very different things! 

He’s just recently got into the habit of throwing himself down the stairs everytime something doesn’t quite go his way. Luckily with my stairs, there’s only a few at a time so it’s not a full staircase.

This is new, I’m working on ignoring it and praying he doesn’t actually really hurt himself and hopefully he’ll realise, that’s not getting him anywhere! I know he doesn’t actually hurt himself, I figured that out the other day when my patience was still intact and I went down to find him laying half way down the stairs claiming to of really hurt his ankle, but very quickly got over it when I made a joke about it! What can I say? I’m that hilarious my humour can mend damaged ankles!

I know I’m probably just having an off week and it’s overflowing on to him (or the other way round!) but I need to get back to what he needs fast and I will! Just give me the weekend to refresh. I’ve decided to spend the morning at the gym tomorrow hoping I will come out feeling like I can take on the world. 

I understand that one, off week isn’t the end of the world, I’m only human and I probably have it a little bit tougher than your average parent so I’m going easy on myself but I still need to get back what he needs. 

I think a lot of us parents are too tough on ourselves, not just me. 

Parenting is a tough job and some take it on more naturally than others, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. 

I’ve been beating myself up over this week but when it comes down to it, he wouldn’t of come on this far without my patience and willing to spend hours of my time educating myself on what he needs and what I have to be to make it work and of course putting it into action and never giving up. 

Moral of the story. Don’t beat yourself up over one bad day or week, look back on what you have done and pat yourself on the back because your child/ren would not be where they are now if it wasn’t for your constant love and support 

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Step one

Yesterday I said I was going to make that phone call and I did, my appointment is 2.30 on Friday afternoon.

That’s the first step made!

I was rather impressed they got me in so quickly! I was expecting to have to wait at least 2 weeks.

Now I have to prepare myself. I’m very good at making appointments, getting in there and then all words fail me!

I know what I’ve got to do, it’s just making sure I get my point across clearly and they understand I’m being serious. Something I’m not so good at!

I know I’ll get questioned about depression as this can have the same side effects as ADHD and I’ll have many weeks/months of seeing a therapist but I understand this is the process of adult diagnosis.

If I’m quite honest, I’m not sure how I’ll feel if I get a diagnosis, probably mixed emotions of feeling relieved that theres answers and annoyed that I’ve struggled for 35 years not knowing why.

On Friday, step 2 will happen – getting a referral.

Everything in baby steps so if feels far less scary

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The start of the process

We all have our down days and today I’m feeling that!

I was watching a ‘comical’ video of a woman who couldn’t get it together. It was supposed to be comical but all I could see is me!

I’m the most disorganised mum you can imagine! I hate it, I don’t want to be this way but I am, I also know it’s a sign of ADHD and for a while now I’ve suspected I may have ADHD and autism. As a child the signs of autism screamed at you but unfortunately I was born in the 80’s, I could talk, (thanks to speech therapy) I could walk (eventually) so nothing was done. Now, I’d of had an autistic label stuck on back in the 1st appointment because it was that obvious.

I always wondered why I was different but then I could see similarities in my son apart from we dealt with them in different ways. I would be non verbal and cry, he would lash out in frustration. I’m guessing that would be the difference between a girl and a boy.

To this very day I find life incredibly difficult, whether that’s work, domestic, social, emotionally or any other, it feels like a challenge.

I do love working but it’s fitting everything in around it that I struggle with.

I do kickboxing and yet I struggle so much with the coordination I consider quitting but the only reason why I took it up in the first place is to get my son involved and because I’m there with him, he finds it easier to cope. That’s the only reason why I haven’t quit.

My son has to get his special needs from somewhere and I think it’s about time I started on the path to figure out if it’s me or not.

It would explain so much, why I struggled socially, why I struggle to fit in anywhere, why I’m so disorganised, why I struggled in school, why I can’t focus on anything but when I am focused I’m almost obsessed, why I’ve always been extra emotional and simply why I’ve always felt different to everybody else.

Today I’m going to make that appointment which will hopefully get me on the right path.

I will blog my journey so if anybody else is feeling the same way but anxious to start the process, hopefully my road will make it a little easier for you to take that first step