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It’s almost Christmas! 

I’ve been rather busy, my little mind gets too flustered when I’ve got too much to think about so I’ve gave my blog a break for a bit.

But I’m back now so time for an update!

This might seem a bit all over the place but welcome to my brain!

My boy is back on medication for now as he’s been struggling socially and emotionally but he’s now back to being happy again! Yay!

Christmas food shop came yesterday! Why did I order the fresh food over a week early? I don’t know either! Vegetables and potatoes will be prepped and frozen by tomorrow! It seems like a lot of effort but I’m sure the future me will be very thankful!

It’s Christmas jumper day and Christmas meal day at my sons school today, I was dreading both and I know he also was.

He always worries about wearing the wrong thing and I get that, I’ve been there! He said he was just going to wear normal clothes and I would of let him. That was until I went shopping and spotted an awesome Christmas top of Santa doing a fortnight dance move! He loved it! As it was only a short sleeved top I pulled all of his Christmas jumpers out and found an elf one that said #elfie! He was more than happy to wear it and walked down the street with his coat undone, proud of his jumper! Success!

Next problem was Christmas Dinner! He won’t eat school dinners but I also knew that when he sees everyone enjoying themselves he’ll feel left out, what can I do to fix this problem? I slow cooked a pork joint overnight, made some stuffing this morning and he went to school with a pork and stuffing roll, (cob where I come from!) some carrot sticks, cherries, (still got to get his 5 a day in!) a mince pie and obviously I couldn’t not put a Christmas cracker in there for him! He was delighted! Mission completed!

This year we have done away with advent calanders and instead I got little Christmas tree stockings that I put a treat in each evening for the morning. They love it and it works out so much cheaper.

I think I will sign out for now so I can get something useful done!

Tomorrow I’ll be giving an update on how the Christmas jumper day went and whether I got my act together and sorted those veggies out!

Over and out!

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The waiting game

It’s annoying,

I want progression but I’ve done all I can and now I have to rely on people doing what they should be doing.

On Friday I went to my GP and spoke to her about my concerns and what I wanted, I want a diagnosis, if I’m correct in thinking that I am autistic.

Why do I want a diagnosis at 35 years old? Because I want answers,  I want to know why I am like I am and why I’ve struggled the whole of my life with things people don’t appear to struggle with.

She was fantastic, I expected a form to fill out to check if I was depressed, I know I’m not and I’m happy that she did not give me that form!

What she did do was listen, ask questions and write the answers down.

GP’s are unable to diagnose autism or anything alike but she can take down as much information as possible to pass on to the relevant person and then that’s a head start.

I was waiting a while to be seen and in that time I managed to count every single flu flag hanging up, read every single poster surrounding me, realise a diabetes poster was 2 years old and I didn’t stop fidgeting once.

I didn’t realise I was doing any of this until I looked around to see everybody else sitting perfectly still and when I looked down, my foot was in constant motion. I then realised that counting flags, examining posters and not sitting still wasn’t quite normal!

One poster that catches your eye, fine, every single poster without even realising I was doing it is not! And then I started looking back and realised that I do this everywhere and wherever I go and then I realised when I was in last, I was constantly watched by people who clearly found it fascinating to see a grown woman taking in so much detail of everything around.

A door opened, I knew I was next because I had been studying the people coming and going and calculating who I was going to be after. My calculations don’t make any logical sense but they do in my head.

There was a beep and I instantly stood up knowing it was my name, I looked up and I was correct.

I went in and all I could think about was the diabetes poster being out of date and how there was 10 flu flags with 2 hiding out of sight (I clocked them on the way out )

I managed to focus and say half of what I wanted to with confidence.

The GP eventually brought it to a close and told me she’d look into the best approach for me.

She was lovely and took me very seriously.

On the way out I took one last look at the out of date diabetes poster, smiled to myself  thinking the next time I go in, that poster will still be there.

Let’s hope I’m not waiting too long for the next step – if they allow me to move to the next step.

Fingers crossed.

It’s just one week! 

It’s been a tough week!

My son is struggling again with his ADHD, maybe it’s time to introduce the medication again, even if it’s just to get him though a patch he is clearly finding difficult. We’ll see, no rushed decisions. 

He’s been struggling in and out of school and this week I just don’t have the patience for it. I’ve struggled to keep it together and remain patient, understanding and be the parent I know he needs me to be. 

I know I have to be that parent otherwise everything falls to pieces. I’m not naturally patient or calm. I’m naturally a shouter and when I say jump, you jump. That doesn’t work for him, everything has to be worded correctly to his understanding. 

I’ve been that parent for 2 years now and I’ll admit, I’m tired! It’s hard work because what I say and what I want to say have to be 2 very different things! 

He’s just recently got into the habit of throwing himself down the stairs everytime something doesn’t quite go his way. Luckily with my stairs, there’s only a few at a time so it’s not a full staircase.

This is new, I’m working on ignoring it and praying he doesn’t actually really hurt himself and hopefully he’ll realise, that’s not getting him anywhere! I know he doesn’t actually hurt himself, I figured that out the other day when my patience was still intact and I went down to find him laying half way down the stairs claiming to of really hurt his ankle, but very quickly got over it when I made a joke about it! What can I say? I’m that hilarious my humour can mend damaged ankles!

I know I’m probably just having an off week and it’s overflowing on to him (or the other way round!) but I need to get back to what he needs fast and I will! Just give me the weekend to refresh. I’ve decided to spend the morning at the gym tomorrow hoping I will come out feeling like I can take on the world. 

I understand that one, off week isn’t the end of the world, I’m only human and I probably have it a little bit tougher than your average parent so I’m going easy on myself but I still need to get back what he needs. 

I think a lot of us parents are too tough on ourselves, not just me. 

Parenting is a tough job and some take it on more naturally than others, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. 

I’ve been beating myself up over this week but when it comes down to it, he wouldn’t of come on this far without my patience and willing to spend hours of my time educating myself on what he needs and what I have to be to make it work and of course putting it into action and never giving up. 

Moral of the story. Don’t beat yourself up over one bad day or week, look back on what you have done and pat yourself on the back because your child/ren would not be where they are now if it wasn’t for your constant love and support 

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Step one

Yesterday I said I was going to make that phone call and I did, my appointment is 2.30 on Friday afternoon.

That’s the first step made!

I was rather impressed they got me in so quickly! I was expecting to have to wait at least 2 weeks.

Now I have to prepare myself. I’m very good at making appointments, getting in there and then all words fail me!

I know what I’ve got to do, it’s just making sure I get my point across clearly and they understand I’m being serious. Something I’m not so good at!

I know I’ll get questioned about depression as this can have the same side effects as ADHD and I’ll have many weeks/months of seeing a therapist but I understand this is the process of adult diagnosis.

If I’m quite honest, I’m not sure how I’ll feel if I get a diagnosis, probably mixed emotions of feeling relieved that theres answers and annoyed that I’ve struggled for 35 years not knowing why.

On Friday, step 2 will happen – getting a referral.

Everything in baby steps so if feels far less scary

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The start of the process

We all have our down days and today I’m feeling that!

I was watching a ‘comical’ video of a woman who couldn’t get it together. It was supposed to be comical but all I could see is me!

I’m the most disorganised mum you can imagine! I hate it, I don’t want to be this way but I am, I also know it’s a sign of ADHD and for a while now I’ve suspected I may have ADHD and autism. As a child the signs of autism screamed at you but unfortunately I was born in the 80’s, I could talk, (thanks to speech therapy) I could walk (eventually) so nothing was done. Now, I’d of had an autistic label stuck on back in the 1st appointment because it was that obvious.

I always wondered why I was different but then I could see similarities in my son apart from we dealt with them in different ways. I would be non verbal and cry, he would lash out in frustration. I’m guessing that would be the difference between a girl and a boy.

To this very day I find life incredibly difficult, whether that’s work, domestic, social, emotionally or any other, it feels like a challenge.

I do love working but it’s fitting everything in around it that I struggle with.

I do kickboxing and yet I struggle so much with the coordination I consider quitting but the only reason why I took it up in the first place is to get my son involved and because I’m there with him, he finds it easier to cope. That’s the only reason why I haven’t quit.

My son has to get his special needs from somewhere and I think it’s about time I started on the path to figure out if it’s me or not.

It would explain so much, why I struggled socially, why I struggle to fit in anywhere, why I’m so disorganised, why I struggled in school, why I can’t focus on anything but when I am focused I’m almost obsessed, why I’ve always been extra emotional and simply why I’ve always felt different to everybody else.

Today I’m going to make that appointment which will hopefully get me on the right path.

I will blog my journey so if anybody else is feeling the same way but anxious to start the process, hopefully my road will make it a little easier for you to take that first step

 

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Needless fear

Yesterday I was getting on with my day when my phone rang, I looked down at my phone and my heart starts racing.

It was my sons school.

Anybody with a special needs child will understand that feeling.

I mean, I get it, nobody wants a phone call from their child’s school, every thought goes through your head, mainly are they injured and are they sick.

With a special needs child it’s very different. Any parent of a superhero child will tell you they wish only those 2 things went through their head when they get that call!

My heart starts racing
My hands become clammy
Every possible thought goes through my head from has he been sick to is he having a meltdown and unable to bring himself out of it.

These meltdowns can be as calm as him locking himself in the toilets to get himself away from everybody to a full blown meltdown of him trashing rooms and attacking anybody that dare comes near.

Thankfully, we haven’t had the latter for nearly 2 years now. He usually locks himself in the toilet, that’s his way of saying, ‘I can’t cope and this is my way of preventing myself from doing anything I’ll later regret’
I’m very aware though that those full blown meltdowns can come back at any point.

I let the phone ring out so I could regain myself and start thinking rationally and then I called them back,

“Hi this is C’s mum, did you just call me?”

I know I sounded calm but inside my heart is thumping with the dread of what her response is going to be.

“oh hi, yes, I just wanted to let you know that those forms are ready for you to collect from reception”

Really?!
Forms?!

I was panicking and freaking out over forms?!

Now I can relax and I’ll gladly feel stupid and to say I was feeling a little guilty is an understatement!

I should believe in him far more because my goodness he has earnt it!

I class myself as lucky, I have a 9 year old with special needs who has the determination of a warrior.

I don’t give him anywhere near enough credit as he deserves. I should answer the phone thinking, have I forgot to give him his lunch/water bottle?
Instead I think what’s he done wrong/what’s happend/is he struggling to cope again?

I went to pick him up from school and his teacher said he’s had a fantastic day!
Well of course he has!
He’s my little warrior who is determined to succeed no matter what stands in his way and when life knocks him down, he gets right back up and continues fighting.

I think it’s time to stop panicking when the phone rings.

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This is where it starts!

I guess I should start with hi! And of course welcome to my blog!

This is strange, 2 hours ago I was at my sons school helping him make a board game. I wanted to share my experience but I had nowhere to write it. That’s how I ended up here, I thought I would start a blog. I’m not the best at writing, sometimes punctuation and spelling might be a little bit incorrect but what does that matter?! I love to share my stories and I love to write about them and I hope people will love to hear about them too.

Let me explain my blog name ‘the useless mother’ this goes back to why I originally decided to create a blog. I’m at my sons school helping him with this board game, there are parents surrounding me getting on with helping their children, it was a lovely moment as not many parents get time to sit with their children and give them that valuable 1 on 1 attention for that length of time! There was another mother on the same table as me who is absolutely lovely but when I looked over at hers, you could clearly see how creative she was, her drawings were fantastic, her level of detail was brilliant. I looked at mine and my sons and he could of said he did it all by himself and no doubt he would of been believed!

My son has ADHD and dyspraxia so he really struggles with focus, self esteem, writing and using scissors, he struggles with many other things but for this story, those 4 struggles he has to fight with to succeed. Therefore we had tears, frustration and a few times he had to take himself away for a couple of minutes ro regain himself and then he would come back and continue so not only does he have a useless mother who can’t draw a stickman but he’s also fighting his own doubts about the quality of his work. Maybe me being rubbish helped him feel less inadequate. I would like to think he looked at my drawings and thought they’re rubbish and then realised that I was fine with that because that’s the best I can do and that’s ok!

Anyway, we quickly pushed on by, we got the board game done and started to play, as we were playing we were laughing and my son thought it was hilarious because I had to run on the spot for 30 seconds in front of a class of all of his friends and their parents! Adults were smiling and children came over out of curiosity because they wanted to see what our board game was all about. One of his friends wanted to play so I made an excuse to move away so they could play together, I went to the toilet, came back and there was another little boy playing with him and much to my delight, the smiling and laughing coming from that corner made all those feelings of inadequacy and frustration felt irrelevant! My son came over to me whilst giggling in excitement and said “Mummy, I chose the shout as loud as you can card but I really don’t want to do it!” his friend was standing there laughing whilst encouraging him to do it!

That’s when it clicked, realistically, our board game most likely looked the most rubbish out of everybody’s, definitely not my sons fault as all the adults had pretty much took their childs ideas and stuck it on card so all of them looked adult made. Yet our board game was the only one that created genuine levels of laughter and excitement. Nobody cared that it didn’t look as amazing as everybody else’s, it provided something so much better – genuine joy!

This is the problem, you get adults involved and it becomes competitive, everybody wants their child to have the best board game so they make it look as amazing as possible, forgetting what it’s really about. I’m guilty as well because I didn’t consider how much fun it should be, I was too busy worrying and feeling guilty about how bad it was going to look! My son made it fun because they were all his ideas, I made the odd suggestion but really not worth mentioning.

This proves, I am a useless mother when you ask me to be creative and bake the best looking cake etc etc etc but that doesn’t matter as fun, laughter and joy are the only things I want to be good at creating!